Monday, 2 November 2015

MY STORY | (Social) Anxiety

The past few days and weeks have probably been the worst for me and to be completely honest, I have no clue where all that anxiety came from. I already wrote a post about how to deal with anxiety and panic because I did tend to get panic attacks, etc. every now and then, but it's gotten a lot worse lately.

I am aware that a blog - a public website on the internet! - is not the best way to talk about my anxiety but I also know that lots of people are feeling the same way and that I'm definitely not alone. It does feel like I'm talking to someone who's just listening to what I tell them and it feels a lot better than not talking at all.

A band was the actual reason for me to cope with my anxiety, but in the past few weeks, people had always reminded me 'not to do/say this or that', 'you're just the quiet one but you text quite a lot' or they simply reminded me how it feels to be left alone because they just don't understand what it feels like to live with anxiety!

In school I'm basically just a non-talking girl who smiles at random times because on the inside I'm a mental wreck. People know that I don't talk much, even my teachers tell me to 'talk more and raise my hand more often, otherwise they'd have to change my grades'. My answer to that? I've always been the quiet one.

I wouldn't refer to myself as shy because I'm not. I'm just trying to find a way in life that's making it possible for me to actually socialise with people without having that immense feeling of fear. 

It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I just don't know how.

I think I know the answer to that question, I am just too scared people will stare at me when it's wrong.

Have I got enough money to pay all that? I should probably count it again - for the ninth time.

Hey, can you call whoever and ask for something? - Hah..... No, because I might trip over my own tongue and they'll laugh at me.

Make a voice note for me, I want to hear you saying... - Sorry, I'm with my parents/Wifi sucks/bad timing.

There are people laughing. Are they laughing at me? Did I do anything? Is there something on my shirt? Does my hair look funny?? Or am I just a freaking joke myself???

I'm not saying that it's easy to deal with that because it's definitely not. And people saying that I should just get over it can please leave. 

True story: 
I tried explaining this to a friend and the answer was 'Ok'. Guess what I did? Nothing.

How am I supposed to tell a friend or someone else that I am trying my best to live with social anxiety? Will they understand? Probably not.

I feel helpless and it feels more than right to blog about this because I want others to know that they're not alone. And please feel free to talk to me or someone else when you're feeling this way because I know exactly what it feels like when there's no one else to talk to about your problems.

I'm also really scared that school will really exhaust me the next months but I hope that with a new year I will gain more confidence again and that the anxiety will be easier to cope with again. 

Thank you for reading this and sorry for such a long post but it felt really good writing this. Again, please feel free to message me when you don't feel well or anything! x
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